Why are men so crazy? I know that’s a huge generalization, but …. in my world, majority rules. So excuse me if I’m not talking about the slim minority of Denzel like or Tom Hanks type of guy. You know – squeaky clean, sensitive while still sexy, manly and alluring. (Side note here: it makes me sad that I can no longer include Bill Cosby in that group.) Hence, most are just a tad insane.
Number 1 in the world of crazy is the Alpha Male type. You’ll know them by their edgy demeanor, easy yet robust laughter, quick smile and popularity. Alpha males are very well liked. But there is a dark cloud to this easy going guy. My theory is that it’s all part of a grand design to cover for a multitude of deep seeded self esteem issues. So he over compensates and hopes that no one notices. This fellow is just a tad to rough, both in words and actions. His attempts at affection or compassion are both awkward and painful. And he might get mad at you for mentioning that he caused you pain. Like it’s your fault that he hurt you. This mental health client will also start discussions around some particularly sore topic and then hammer away relentlessly, until – surprise, surprise, hurtful things are said. Then, crazy times two, show up later for ‘make up ‘sex. Now I know you probably have been seduced by the hype that popular movies and television have sold us surrounding ‘make up’ sex, so I hate to bust some bubbles. But, there is a limit, or maybe it’s a line that you cross at some point. And then make up sex, doesn’t. It just doesn’t ‘make up’ for whatever happened. So don’t overdo it.
Then there’s the pseudo sensitive, smooth talking, Dr. Phil’d , metro-sexual type. His buzz word or maybe even mantra is – I understand. Usually spoken with an earnest nod, or hand to chin, until you notice that the tilt of his eyes is downward, toward your ta-ta’s. (Breasts for those of you who may be Mad TV impaired.) Don’t be fooled ladies; he hasn’t heard a word you said about your stagnant career, or concern for the rain forests. He’s practiced his words and hand gestures to mask his ultimate, DNA driven goal – conquest and your Victoria Secret’s around your ankles. Once the wedding cake has been eaten and the souvenir slice has been discarded, your cosmopolitan man will return to his original and true state of being. In other words, after Beauty marries the beast/prince, he will grow that body hair back, fire the castle staff, walk around scratching, burping and farting and attempt to put you on your hands and knees to service his household, family and carnal needs.
Which type do you have or which type are you? To be continued.
Showing posts with label men problems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men problems. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Penis envy and other things that piss me off.
A note to all the fellas - penis envy does not exist. At least not the way you think of it, from us girls. Nope, it ain’t true, never has been. Take my word for it – we do not want a wrinkly, little soldier/tube of flesh, complete with Trojan helmet and two travel sacks – hanging from our crotch. We already have 2 hanging appendages, some with more hang than others, and so we really don’t want another 3. You’ve got to admit, they are some ugly little buggers, when not erect.
The only envy is between you guys. That’s right, men have penis envy for other men's penises. This is based solely on the number of penis performance, enlargers and endurance products that I get e-mails about. That and how many times the word ‘big’ is used in any pornographic material, written or electronic. Obviously, this is something that men think about a lot or the marketing firms representing these firms have been reading the wrong consumer guide. Now I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that size doesn’t matter – cuz it does. If you, in fact have been told that size doesn’t matter, it probably means that you are size challenged and should work on skills that don’t rely on size. However there is such a thing as too big. Really. There is. And size alone does not guarantee a satisfied customer. But do you really believe that taking a pill will make a fully formed adult sized appendage grow? Or that dangling a weight from it or going under the knife will turn you into mega-man, with a penis that cuts grooves into the floor? Not going to happen.
Feminine hygiene – do we really need this much?
This has been bugging me for years. Why, ladies are the feminine care aisles so damned long. What marketing genius or team of geniuses came up with this ruse? Check it out the next time you’re at your friendly neighborhood version of Rite Ade, Walgreens, etc. Our need for cleanliness is so great that 20, 24, 28 feet of shelf space is devoted to our care. On line with a major player in the on line drugstore industry – rhymes with ugstore.com – there were 21 entries in the feminine cleansing sub category alone. That’s 21 different wipes and lotions designed for us to use between our daily showers and baths. Preparation H had a new entry into the world of feminine care, with a ‘medicated’ wipe. Our vaginas now need ‘medication’. Well, I guess if you care take care of the back end, you can take care of the front. Do our vaginas really need that much cleaning? Well let me state the obvious – No! I shouldn’t have to tell you that the vagina is a pretty amazing thing. It’s capacity for mind numbing passion and sexual energy and also serving as pathway for new life. That being said – it also has an incredible self-cleaning mechanism, built in. It’s called bacteria. That and some natural plumbing. The bacteria is there to ward off infections, the plumbing releases these pests out in the form of discharge. So… if you wash these handy bacteria away with routine douches and wipes, you are actually making yourself more vulnerable for infection. And powders have been shown to lead to cervical cancer. So spread the word, ladies. We really don’t need this much attention. Let’s send a clear message that regular showers or baths are all that is needed to keep things in good working order. And we do not want our vaginas to smell like a rose garden, or summer’s breeze. Nor do we want to have it piclkled, which is what I assume they were going for in the vinegar and water variety of douch. Why else would one introduce vinegar into a woman’s vagina. A fluid which is that removes coffee stains and residue, that is used to turn a firm cucumber into the pliable pickle. All in the interest of cleanliness? That maybe a little more attentions should be given to their little demons and to their rear ends. Many, many, many wives, girlfriends, lovers have had to face the dreaded racing stripe in her hubby’s tidy whities, left in the laundry basket to marinate in it’s own funkiness. Many have also had to simply hold their breath when venturing down south of the belly button or into the pubic hair region. So who needs cleansing? Shouldn’t there be a Masculine Care division, with wipes and creams (medicated and non medicated) and maybe even a tiny little douche device? Let’s send a message in the only way that they can understand. Our collective dollar bills, our collective bargaining. STOP BUYING THIS STUFF. You really don’t need it. Daily showers or baths is all that is required. Anything more is a waste of time and energy (which we never have enough), waste of money (ditto) and feeds into the myth that our natural selves are just not good enough. Let’s just totally screw up consumer studies and consumer indexes and demographic spreadsheets across the world by reversing this particular buying trend. Let’s put a few of these deluded feminine care firms out of business by re-claiming our natural selves, as your god or personal genetics, intended. That or start ramping up the masculine care division.
The only envy is between you guys. That’s right, men have penis envy for other men's penises. This is based solely on the number of penis performance, enlargers and endurance products that I get e-mails about. That and how many times the word ‘big’ is used in any pornographic material, written or electronic. Obviously, this is something that men think about a lot or the marketing firms representing these firms have been reading the wrong consumer guide. Now I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that size doesn’t matter – cuz it does. If you, in fact have been told that size doesn’t matter, it probably means that you are size challenged and should work on skills that don’t rely on size. However there is such a thing as too big. Really. There is. And size alone does not guarantee a satisfied customer. But do you really believe that taking a pill will make a fully formed adult sized appendage grow? Or that dangling a weight from it or going under the knife will turn you into mega-man, with a penis that cuts grooves into the floor? Not going to happen.
Feminine hygiene – do we really need this much?
This has been bugging me for years. Why, ladies are the feminine care aisles so damned long. What marketing genius or team of geniuses came up with this ruse? Check it out the next time you’re at your friendly neighborhood version of Rite Ade, Walgreens, etc. Our need for cleanliness is so great that 20, 24, 28 feet of shelf space is devoted to our care. On line with a major player in the on line drugstore industry – rhymes with ugstore.com – there were 21 entries in the feminine cleansing sub category alone. That’s 21 different wipes and lotions designed for us to use between our daily showers and baths. Preparation H had a new entry into the world of feminine care, with a ‘medicated’ wipe. Our vaginas now need ‘medication’. Well, I guess if you care take care of the back end, you can take care of the front. Do our vaginas really need that much cleaning? Well let me state the obvious – No! I shouldn’t have to tell you that the vagina is a pretty amazing thing. It’s capacity for mind numbing passion and sexual energy and also serving as pathway for new life. That being said – it also has an incredible self-cleaning mechanism, built in. It’s called bacteria. That and some natural plumbing. The bacteria is there to ward off infections, the plumbing releases these pests out in the form of discharge. So… if you wash these handy bacteria away with routine douches and wipes, you are actually making yourself more vulnerable for infection. And powders have been shown to lead to cervical cancer. So spread the word, ladies. We really don’t need this much attention. Let’s send a clear message that regular showers or baths are all that is needed to keep things in good working order. And we do not want our vaginas to smell like a rose garden, or summer’s breeze. Nor do we want to have it piclkled, which is what I assume they were going for in the vinegar and water variety of douch. Why else would one introduce vinegar into a woman’s vagina. A fluid which is that removes coffee stains and residue, that is used to turn a firm cucumber into the pliable pickle. All in the interest of cleanliness? That maybe a little more attentions should be given to their little demons and to their rear ends. Many, many, many wives, girlfriends, lovers have had to face the dreaded racing stripe in her hubby’s tidy whities, left in the laundry basket to marinate in it’s own funkiness. Many have also had to simply hold their breath when venturing down south of the belly button or into the pubic hair region. So who needs cleansing? Shouldn’t there be a Masculine Care division, with wipes and creams (medicated and non medicated) and maybe even a tiny little douche device? Let’s send a message in the only way that they can understand. Our collective dollar bills, our collective bargaining. STOP BUYING THIS STUFF. You really don’t need it. Daily showers or baths is all that is required. Anything more is a waste of time and energy (which we never have enough), waste of money (ditto) and feeds into the myth that our natural selves are just not good enough. Let’s just totally screw up consumer studies and consumer indexes and demographic spreadsheets across the world by reversing this particular buying trend. Let’s put a few of these deluded feminine care firms out of business by re-claiming our natural selves, as your god or personal genetics, intended. That or start ramping up the masculine care division.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Aren't most men at least a little bit autistic?
With knowledge comes freedom. I am writing this to liberate myself and others like me – wives with autistic children. With the information and the courage to utter it– that our seemingly normal husbands are autistic as well, usually undiagnosed. Many have thought it, may have even mentioned to a close friend. However there is no forum on line or in person that I know of which adequately explores this issue. That and most of don’t have the time since most of our time and attention is on caring for that autistic child and borderline father.
Which leads me to ask the question that begs to be asked: Aren’t most men at least borderline autistic. Just think about it ladies – an inability to show emotion, the tendency for obsession on televised sports, with a keen memory for names, positions, colleges attended and often high school, stats and personal trivia, yet not remember your anniversary, your dead mother’s name or that every Friday for the last 2 years, your daughter has had a tennis less so if it’s Friday, we’re probably at the tennis courts. How is that possible, I ask you! Well I blame autism. It’s my theory and I’m sticking with it.
It would explain so much and open up a number of different intervention strategies that may, with consistent use lessen those autistic traits to a more manageable level. It could happen! It would take a woman with a fearless spirit, the patience of Job, a Buddha like temperament and a healthy supply of mood stabilizing drugs. Prescribed, over-the-counter, herbal, mineral, illicit or not, just something to keep your mind from swinging toward thoughts of homicide or suicide or at least a little assault and injury. In other words – oh, I could just hit you in the face now, if I thought I could get away with it, but that would probably be the one thing that my son would remember and be able to tell to all who would listen, Mama hit daddy. Not that I believe that I ever would actually hit him, I just don’t think it’s healthy to have that kind of pent up rage.
Anyway, what follows is not for the faint of heart. In fact there are some tactics that I have not had the fortitude to attempt, however it has worked on my son, so…….
Seeing the man of your dreams in all his autistic glory would also accomplish the one thing we’ve wanted all along – help us understand why they do and say some of the things they say and do. For example, seeing your spouse do the same wrong thing over and over can be explained. He’s stuck, like my son gets stuck writing the same word over and over again. He has this compulsion to write ‘sponge’ AND he has a limited number of words that he is comfortable saying and writing (sound familiar). SO… I casually bring up other words, either by writing it myself or suggesting it in a non imposing way.
The same tactic could just work with hubby. Don’t criticize the wrong thing, in fact, don’t even bring it up. Just set up the situation so there is only one choice – the right choice. So you don’t want him in the laundry room ever, because he consistently washes everything on hot and dries everything to a crisp. Try large print instructions written ostensibly for ‘the kids’ conspicuously on the washer and/or dryer. “ COLD WATER ONLY – DRY ON LOW. If this doesn’t work, then remove the hot water option completely by turning it off. He’ll think that he is using hot water and your clothes and linen are spared being turned into psychodelic mini versions of the things you once loved. Imagine it – no more tie dyed looking underwear or oddly pink towels with splashes of green and blue thrown in for good measure. It could happen. Really. Either way, once he has successfully ‘chosen’ to wash the clothes on the right temperature, then praise him for making the right ‘choice’.
Note: no matter how funny this is, the quizzical look on his face when he’s staring at the washer or when you think of how hard you had to work to give him credit for ‘choosing’, DO NOT chuckle. You have to sell this. This performance must be worthy of an Oscar. He must believe that this was all his doing. He must believe that this great outcome was the result of his own skill, intelligence and general male superiority. AND that you have finally recognized what he has known all along – that he is the best thing that ever happened to you. Well, don’t worry about this. Keep your eye on the prize, which is the safety of your laundry and your own continued sanity. Same with your autistic son, when he ‘chooses’ to write the word, a different word, that you innocently pointed him to, praise and thank him. Your son will probably be an easier sell.
Of course many strategies that are used with our children are quite beneficial in other relationships as well. For example, when I want to make sure that my teenaged daughter understands the seriousness of a request, I will insist upon eye contact, ask her to repeat the request or say firmly – do you understand what I just said. If I don’t get some kind of acknowledgement either in the form of eye contact or verbal , then I assume that the request was not heard. Also, use concrete, tangible terms in the simplest format possible. The fewer words, the better. Short, to the point directions, leave as little to the imagination as possible. My daughter was also more adaptable than hubby.
More to come later .......
Which leads me to ask the question that begs to be asked: Aren’t most men at least borderline autistic. Just think about it ladies – an inability to show emotion, the tendency for obsession on televised sports, with a keen memory for names, positions, colleges attended and often high school, stats and personal trivia, yet not remember your anniversary, your dead mother’s name or that every Friday for the last 2 years, your daughter has had a tennis less so if it’s Friday, we’re probably at the tennis courts. How is that possible, I ask you! Well I blame autism. It’s my theory and I’m sticking with it.
It would explain so much and open up a number of different intervention strategies that may, with consistent use lessen those autistic traits to a more manageable level. It could happen! It would take a woman with a fearless spirit, the patience of Job, a Buddha like temperament and a healthy supply of mood stabilizing drugs. Prescribed, over-the-counter, herbal, mineral, illicit or not, just something to keep your mind from swinging toward thoughts of homicide or suicide or at least a little assault and injury. In other words – oh, I could just hit you in the face now, if I thought I could get away with it, but that would probably be the one thing that my son would remember and be able to tell to all who would listen, Mama hit daddy. Not that I believe that I ever would actually hit him, I just don’t think it’s healthy to have that kind of pent up rage.
Anyway, what follows is not for the faint of heart. In fact there are some tactics that I have not had the fortitude to attempt, however it has worked on my son, so…….
Seeing the man of your dreams in all his autistic glory would also accomplish the one thing we’ve wanted all along – help us understand why they do and say some of the things they say and do. For example, seeing your spouse do the same wrong thing over and over can be explained. He’s stuck, like my son gets stuck writing the same word over and over again. He has this compulsion to write ‘sponge’ AND he has a limited number of words that he is comfortable saying and writing (sound familiar). SO… I casually bring up other words, either by writing it myself or suggesting it in a non imposing way.
The same tactic could just work with hubby. Don’t criticize the wrong thing, in fact, don’t even bring it up. Just set up the situation so there is only one choice – the right choice. So you don’t want him in the laundry room ever, because he consistently washes everything on hot and dries everything to a crisp. Try large print instructions written ostensibly for ‘the kids’ conspicuously on the washer and/or dryer. “ COLD WATER ONLY – DRY ON LOW. If this doesn’t work, then remove the hot water option completely by turning it off. He’ll think that he is using hot water and your clothes and linen are spared being turned into psychodelic mini versions of the things you once loved. Imagine it – no more tie dyed looking underwear or oddly pink towels with splashes of green and blue thrown in for good measure. It could happen. Really. Either way, once he has successfully ‘chosen’ to wash the clothes on the right temperature, then praise him for making the right ‘choice’.
Note: no matter how funny this is, the quizzical look on his face when he’s staring at the washer or when you think of how hard you had to work to give him credit for ‘choosing’, DO NOT chuckle. You have to sell this. This performance must be worthy of an Oscar. He must believe that this was all his doing. He must believe that this great outcome was the result of his own skill, intelligence and general male superiority. AND that you have finally recognized what he has known all along – that he is the best thing that ever happened to you. Well, don’t worry about this. Keep your eye on the prize, which is the safety of your laundry and your own continued sanity. Same with your autistic son, when he ‘chooses’ to write the word, a different word, that you innocently pointed him to, praise and thank him. Your son will probably be an easier sell.
Of course many strategies that are used with our children are quite beneficial in other relationships as well. For example, when I want to make sure that my teenaged daughter understands the seriousness of a request, I will insist upon eye contact, ask her to repeat the request or say firmly – do you understand what I just said. If I don’t get some kind of acknowledgement either in the form of eye contact or verbal , then I assume that the request was not heard. Also, use concrete, tangible terms in the simplest format possible. The fewer words, the better. Short, to the point directions, leave as little to the imagination as possible. My daughter was also more adaptable than hubby.
More to come later .......
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