Marriage - How Badly Can We Suck

Now that domestic partnerships are being signed into law for gays and lesbians, I think that it is time that heterosexuals take a good look at our own institution of marriage. That’s right - marriage – a social experiment long past needing a make over. We’ve given it a good millennium or two and the jury has long been in – we suck at marriage in it’s current state. So how about we re-visit the institution and it’s terms. When I say we, of course I mean Americans. I also think that as a whole, we have some serious self esteem issues. Re-vamping this tired and broken institution could be a real ego booster. Our stock abroad would soar, or at least improve a bit.

First – marriage in its current state primarily benefits the husband – in hetero unions. I have high hopes for gay marriages, I hope that they set the standard in long term commitment. I know from experience what I speak because my ex-husband didn’t believe in marriage. I was married – he wasn’t. His life went on as it had before and he kept his wedding bands (yes multiple) in an assortment of odd places – like the console of his car (that was later re-po’d and taken away) or at one point – on his key ring? I have no idea what that last one was about psychologically.

But marriage benefits the husband - generally speaking. I have heard tell of a rare kind of union where couples share responsibilities and enjoy each others company, laugh, dance together. I’ve not witnessed nor experienced it so I cannot confirm. It benefits the husband because it’s in our DNA to give and care for and it’s in their DNA to pretend not to see and to be disabled, dim witted or in some other way impaired – when convenient.

Yes – I’m bitter. And a bit wiser – about the farce that we wax so poetic about, incessantly called love. But that’s for a later entry. Marriage is an institution for the insane and it should be a union of like minded people who agree to co-mingle assets and body fluids for a guesstimated period of time, hence a contract.

First of all if we all know that a life time commitment to anything is just silly. Written for a time when a life sentence was maybe 30 years – we now would have to go through 3 of those today. From there the contract could be as specific or general as you want it to be. A contract between two people who agree to behave a certain way for the good of the pair or group as it expands, for a period of time, with liberal options to extend. Whether you choose to bring God into it is your preference. And as far as kids are concerned – who knows whether it’s better to expose them to a loveless, selfish experiment in long term torture OR to the rigors of divorce. Either way, they will definitely have topics to discuss in group or individual therapy.

I think that if marriage vows were written to reflect our collective attention spans we would be better at it. We would also have to revise how marriage statistics were reported. That would be a real image and self esteem booster. If a couple contracted for 5 years with an option chose not to renew – that would go in the success column. Our numbers would soar as would our reputation abroad. Wow – check out the Americans – 92% success rate – how do they do it?!

I envision a time in the distant future when this relic called marriage will be gazed at with great wonder and amazement. Picture it – 500 years in the future a father and son in a museum. “Wow, Dad – you mean people actually stayed together till they died? That would be like 130 years with the same person!” Dad - "Well they didn’t live that long way back then, son. Still it could amount to 50, 60 years. Yep. I hear tell that men would have affairs, online porn and order brides from catalogs. It was a crazy time. Now go find your fifth step sister and 3rd mom twice removed so we can go get lunch.”

It could happen.

A Different Kind of Crazy

Why are men so crazy? I know that’s a huge generalization, but …. in my world, majority rules. So excuse me if I’m not talking about the slim minority of Denzel like or Tom Hanks type of guy. You know – squeaky clean, sensitive while still sexy, manly and alluring. (Side note here: it makes me sad that I can no longer include Bill Cosby in that group.) Hence, most are just a tad insane.

Number 1 in the world of crazy is the Alpha Male type. You’ll know them by their edgy demeanor, easy yet robust laughter, quick smile and popularity. Alpha males are very well liked. But there is a dark cloud to this easy going guy. My theory is that it’s all part of a grand design to cover for a multitude of deep seeded self esteem issues. So he over compensates and hopes that no one notices. This fellow is just a tad to rough, both in words and actions. His attempts at affection or compassion are both awkward and painful. And he might get mad at you for mentioning that he caused you pain. Like it’s your fault that he hurt you. This mental health client will also start discussions around some particularly sore topic and then hammer away relentlessly, until – surprise, surprise, hurtful things are said. Then, crazy times two, show up later for ‘make up ‘sex. Now I know you probably have been seduced by the hype that popular movies and television have sold us surrounding ‘make up’ sex, so I hate to bust some bubbles. But, there is a limit, or maybe it’s a line that you cross at some point. And then make up sex, doesn’t. It just doesn’t ‘make up’ for whatever happened. So don’t overdo it.

Then there’s the pseudo sensitive, smooth talking, Dr. Phil’d , metro-sexual type. His buzz word or maybe even mantra is – I understand. Usually spoken with an earnest nod, or hand to chin, until you notice that the tilt of his eyes is downward, toward your ta-ta’s. (Breasts for those of you who may be Mad TV impaired.) Don’t be fooled ladies; he hasn’t heard a word you said about your stagnant career, or concern for the rain forests. He’s practiced his words and hand gestures to mask his ultimate, DNA driven goal – conquest and your Victoria Secret’s around your ankles. Once the wedding cake has been eaten and the souvenir slice has been discarded, your cosmopolitan man will return to his original and true state of being. In other words, after Beauty marries the beast/prince, he will grow that body hair back, fire the castle staff, walk around scratching, burping and farting and attempt to put you on your hands and knees to service his household, family and carnal needs.

Which type do you have or which type are you? To be continued.

Aren't most men at least a little bit autistic?

With knowledge comes freedom. I am writing this to liberate myself and others like me – wives with autistic children. With the information and the courage to utter it– that our seemingly normal husbands are autistic as well, usually undiagnosed. Many have thought it, may have even mentioned to a close friend. However there is no forum on line or in person that I know of which adequately explores this issue. That and most of don’t have the time since most of our time and attention is on caring for that autistic child and borderline father.

Which leads me to ask the question that begs to be asked: Aren’t most men at least borderline autistic. Just think about it ladies – an inability to show emotion, the tendency for obsession on televised sports, with a keen memory for names, positions, colleges attended and often high school, stats and personal trivia, yet not remember your anniversary, your dead mother’s name or that every Friday for the last 2 years, your daughter has had a tennis less so if it’s Friday, we’re probably at the tennis courts. How is that possible, I ask you! Well I blame autism. It’s my theory and I’m sticking with it.

It would explain so much and open up a number of different intervention strategies that may, with consistent use lessen those autistic traits to a more manageable level. It could happen! It would take a woman with a fearless spirit, the patience of Job, a Buddha like temperament and a healthy supply of mood stabilizing drugs. Prescribed, over-the-counter, herbal, mineral, illicit or not, just something to keep your mind from swinging toward thoughts of homicide or suicide or at least a little assault and injury. In other words – oh, I could just hit you in the face now, if I thought I could get away with it, but that would probably be the one thing that my son would remember and be able to tell to all who would listen, Mama hit daddy. Not that I believe that I ever would actually hit him, I just don’t think it’s healthy to have that kind of pent up rage.


Anyway, what follows is not for the faint of heart. In fact there are some tactics that I have not had the fortitude to attempt, however it has worked on my son, so…….

Seeing the man of your dreams in all his autistic glory would also accomplish the one thing we’ve wanted all along – help us understand why they do and say some of the things they say and do. For example, seeing your spouse do the same wrong thing over and over can be explained. He’s stuck, like my son gets stuck writing the same word over and over again. He has this compulsion to write ‘sponge’ AND he has a limited number of words that he is comfortable saying and writing (sound familiar). SO… I casually bring up other words, either by writing it myself or suggesting it in a non imposing way.

The same tactic could just work with hubby. Don’t criticize the wrong thing, in fact, don’t even bring it up. Just set up the situation so there is only one choice – the right choice. So you don’t want him in the laundry room ever, because he consistently washes everything on hot and dries everything to a crisp. Try large print instructions written ostensibly for ‘the kids’ conspicuously on the washer and/or dryer. “ COLD WATER ONLY – DRY ON LOW. If this doesn’t work, then remove the hot water option completely by turning it off. He’ll think that he is using hot water and your clothes and linen are spared being turned into psychodelic mini versions of the things you once loved. Imagine it – no more tie dyed looking underwear or oddly pink towels with splashes of green and blue thrown in for good measure. It could happen. Really. Either way, once he has successfully ‘chosen’ to wash the clothes on the right temperature, then praise him for making the right ‘choice’.

Note: no matter how funny this is, the quizzical look on his face when he’s staring at the washer or when you think of how hard you had to work to give him credit for ‘choosing’, DO NOT chuckle. You have to sell this. This performance must be worthy of an Oscar. He must believe that this was all his doing. He must believe that this great outcome was the result of his own skill, intelligence and general male superiority. AND that you have finally recognized what he has known all along – that he is the best thing that ever happened to you. Well, don’t worry about this. Keep your eye on the prize, which is the safety of your laundry and your own continued sanity. Same with your autistic son, when he ‘chooses’ to write the word, a different word, that you innocently pointed him to, praise and thank him. Your son will probably be an easier sell.


Of course many strategies that are used with our children are quite beneficial in other relationships as well. For example, when I want to make sure that my teenaged daughter understands the seriousness of a request, I will insist upon eye contact, ask her to repeat the request or say firmly – do you understand what I just said. If I don’t get some kind of acknowledgement either in the form of eye contact or verbal , then I assume that the request was not heard. Also, use concrete, tangible terms in the simplest format possible. The fewer words, the better. Short, to the point directions, leave as little to the imagination as possible. My daughter was also more adaptable than hubby.

More to come later .......