Penis envy and other things that piss me off.

A note to all the fellas - penis envy does not exist. At least not the way you think of it, from us girls. Nope, it ain’t true, never has been. Take my word for it – we do not want a wrinkly, little soldier/tube of flesh, complete with Trojan helmet and two travel sacks – hanging from our crotch. We already have 2 hanging appendages, some with more hang than others, and so we really don’t want another 3. You’ve got to admit, they are some ugly little buggers, when not erect.

The only envy is between you guys. That’s right, men have penis envy for other men's penises. This is based solely on the number of penis performance, enlargers and endurance products that I get e-mails about. That and how many times the word ‘big’ is used in any pornographic material, written or electronic. Obviously, this is something that men think about a lot or the marketing firms representing these firms have been reading the wrong consumer guide. Now I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that size doesn’t matter – cuz it does. If you, in fact have been told that size doesn’t matter, it probably means that you are size challenged and should work on skills that don’t rely on size. However there is such a thing as too big. Really. There is. And size alone does not guarantee a satisfied customer. But do you really believe that taking a pill will make a fully formed adult sized appendage grow? Or that dangling a weight from it or going under the knife will turn you into mega-man, with a penis that cuts grooves into the floor? Not going to happen.

Feminine hygiene – do we really need this much?

This has been bugging me for years. Why, ladies are the feminine care aisles so damned long. What marketing genius or team of geniuses came up with this ruse? Check it out the next time you’re at your friendly neighborhood version of Rite Ade, Walgreens, etc. Our need for cleanliness is so great that 20, 24, 28 feet of shelf space is devoted to our care. On line with a major player in the on line drugstore industry – rhymes with ugstore.com – there were 21 entries in the feminine cleansing sub category alone. That’s 21 different wipes and lotions designed for us to use between our daily showers and baths. Preparation H had a new entry into the world of feminine care, with a ‘medicated’ wipe. Our vaginas now need ‘medication’. Well, I guess if you care take care of the back end, you can take care of the front. Do our vaginas really need that much cleaning? Well let me state the obvious – No! I shouldn’t have to tell you that the vagina is a pretty amazing thing. It’s capacity for mind numbing passion and sexual energy and also serving as pathway for new life. That being said – it also has an incredible self-cleaning mechanism, built in. It’s called bacteria. That and some natural plumbing. The bacteria is there to ward off infections, the plumbing releases these pests out in the form of discharge. So… if you wash these handy bacteria away with routine douches and wipes, you are actually making yourself more vulnerable for infection. And powders have been shown to lead to cervical cancer. So spread the word, ladies. We really don’t need this much attention. Let’s send a clear message that regular showers or baths are all that is needed to keep things in good working order. And we do not want our vaginas to smell like a rose garden, or summer’s breeze. Nor do we want to have it piclkled, which is what I assume they were going for in the vinegar and water variety of douch. Why else would one introduce vinegar into a woman’s vagina. A fluid which is that removes coffee stains and residue, that is used to turn a firm cucumber into the pliable pickle. All in the interest of cleanliness? That maybe a little more attentions should be given to their little demons and to their rear ends. Many, many, many wives, girlfriends, lovers have had to face the dreaded racing stripe in her hubby’s tidy whities, left in the laundry basket to marinate in it’s own funkiness. Many have also had to simply hold their breath when venturing down south of the belly button or into the pubic hair region. So who needs cleansing? Shouldn’t there be a Masculine Care division, with wipes and creams (medicated and non medicated) and maybe even a tiny little douche device? Let’s send a message in the only way that they can understand. Our collective dollar bills, our collective bargaining. STOP BUYING THIS STUFF. You really don’t need it. Daily showers or baths is all that is required. Anything more is a waste of time and energy (which we never have enough), waste of money (ditto) and feeds into the myth that our natural selves are just not good enough. Let’s just totally screw up consumer studies and consumer indexes and demographic spreadsheets across the world by reversing this particular buying trend. Let’s put a few of these deluded feminine care firms out of business by re-claiming our natural selves, as your god or personal genetics, intended. That or start ramping up the masculine care division.