Aren't most men at least a little bit autistic?

With knowledge comes freedom. I am writing this to liberate myself and others like me – wives with autistic children. With the information and the courage to utter it– that our seemingly normal husbands are autistic as well, usually undiagnosed. Many have thought it, may have even mentioned to a close friend. However there is no forum on line or in person that I know of which adequately explores this issue. That and most of don’t have the time since most of our time and attention is on caring for that autistic child and borderline father.

Which leads me to ask the question that begs to be asked: Aren’t most men at least borderline autistic. Just think about it ladies – an inability to show emotion, the tendency for obsession on televised sports, with a keen memory for names, positions, colleges attended and often high school, stats and personal trivia, yet not remember your anniversary, your dead mother’s name or that every Friday for the last 2 years, your daughter has had a tennis less so if it’s Friday, we’re probably at the tennis courts. How is that possible, I ask you! Well I blame autism. It’s my theory and I’m sticking with it.

It would explain so much and open up a number of different intervention strategies that may, with consistent use lessen those autistic traits to a more manageable level. It could happen! It would take a woman with a fearless spirit, the patience of Job, a Buddha like temperament and a healthy supply of mood stabilizing drugs. Prescribed, over-the-counter, herbal, mineral, illicit or not, just something to keep your mind from swinging toward thoughts of homicide or suicide or at least a little assault and injury. In other words – oh, I could just hit you in the face now, if I thought I could get away with it, but that would probably be the one thing that my son would remember and be able to tell to all who would listen, Mama hit daddy. Not that I believe that I ever would actually hit him, I just don’t think it’s healthy to have that kind of pent up rage.


Anyway, what follows is not for the faint of heart. In fact there are some tactics that I have not had the fortitude to attempt, however it has worked on my son, so…….

Seeing the man of your dreams in all his autistic glory would also accomplish the one thing we’ve wanted all along – help us understand why they do and say some of the things they say and do. For example, seeing your spouse do the same wrong thing over and over can be explained. He’s stuck, like my son gets stuck writing the same word over and over again. He has this compulsion to write ‘sponge’ AND he has a limited number of words that he is comfortable saying and writing (sound familiar). SO… I casually bring up other words, either by writing it myself or suggesting it in a non imposing way.

The same tactic could just work with hubby. Don’t criticize the wrong thing, in fact, don’t even bring it up. Just set up the situation so there is only one choice – the right choice. So you don’t want him in the laundry room ever, because he consistently washes everything on hot and dries everything to a crisp. Try large print instructions written ostensibly for ‘the kids’ conspicuously on the washer and/or dryer. “ COLD WATER ONLY – DRY ON LOW. If this doesn’t work, then remove the hot water option completely by turning it off. He’ll think that he is using hot water and your clothes and linen are spared being turned into psychodelic mini versions of the things you once loved. Imagine it – no more tie dyed looking underwear or oddly pink towels with splashes of green and blue thrown in for good measure. It could happen. Really. Either way, once he has successfully ‘chosen’ to wash the clothes on the right temperature, then praise him for making the right ‘choice’.

Note: no matter how funny this is, the quizzical look on his face when he’s staring at the washer or when you think of how hard you had to work to give him credit for ‘choosing’, DO NOT chuckle. You have to sell this. This performance must be worthy of an Oscar. He must believe that this was all his doing. He must believe that this great outcome was the result of his own skill, intelligence and general male superiority. AND that you have finally recognized what he has known all along – that he is the best thing that ever happened to you. Well, don’t worry about this. Keep your eye on the prize, which is the safety of your laundry and your own continued sanity. Same with your autistic son, when he ‘chooses’ to write the word, a different word, that you innocently pointed him to, praise and thank him. Your son will probably be an easier sell.


Of course many strategies that are used with our children are quite beneficial in other relationships as well. For example, when I want to make sure that my teenaged daughter understands the seriousness of a request, I will insist upon eye contact, ask her to repeat the request or say firmly – do you understand what I just said. If I don’t get some kind of acknowledgement either in the form of eye contact or verbal , then I assume that the request was not heard. Also, use concrete, tangible terms in the simplest format possible. The fewer words, the better. Short, to the point directions, leave as little to the imagination as possible. My daughter was also more adaptable than hubby.

More to come later .......