This is My Dance and it’s Called Autism

I’m Dancing as Fast as I can

I’m taking a shower
The first that I’ve had in days
Autism is waiting outside my door
He’s pounding tapping, clicking, humming ….. again

Still dancing

This is supposed to be my time
My special time
Basic needs, stay clean, eat, sleep
Why does it feel so good to stand under this spray of water now?
But it is after 9pm and again the doubts come
I should be enjoying this time alone
But I can’t

Still going, still dancing

Did he get any gluten today, any casein?
Did I talk to him enough ?
Was I short with him ?
Wasn’t there some article I was supposed to read today?

I’m dancing as fast as I can

My daughter needs me too
Is she going to hate me later?
All the time spent
Looking, looking, searching
For an answer to this puzzle

I’m dancing as fast as I can

And what about my marriage?
Is there a marriage?
I should go in and talk to him
But I’m so tired, so tired

I’m dancing as fast as I can

And what about the environment, the war, South Africa?
I care, I really do
But …….

The dance continues

Then there is the music
The music I’m listening to now
Music that makes me sad
But it’s also music that I hope that he will play one day
In my minds eye, he’s playing, singing, understanding

I’m dancing as fast as I can

Family
I want family, always have
Just not in the cards for me
But, it’s Thanksgiving, soon to be Christmas
Don’t have time
To nurture, make the phone calls, write the newsletters, extend the invititations
Make an attempt at having a life

I’m dancing as fast as I can

Why, why me
Well why not you –bitch?
What makes you so special
Other people, in other worlds, other times
Have had hard times, sad times, struggles
Why not you ?

I’m dancing as fast as I can

Still
Maybe the next life
Maybe time travel is really possible
Go back and erase it all
Haven’t I paid the price ?
Paid for being selfish, inconsiderate, judgemental and superior?
I’m sorry – take it all away and I promise I’ll be better next time

I’m dancing as fast as I can

What else is there to do?