Men Can't Lie

Men can’t lie. They just can’t so…. From all of us women who have to endure these exercises in utter futility …., though hilarious and it gives us yet another reason to call our girlfriends. I have a suggestion. But first, a brief explanation.

It makes sense that men would be so bad at lying if you think about it. These are the least aware and the most disconnected creatures on the planet. Their inability to read faces and body language, along with a natural disdain for communication, renders most of them damn near autistic. Hence, they cannot pull off lying effectively. Hint guys, we always know when you’re lying. Cuz you typically suck at it. You don’t know where to put your eyes when you’re lying. The tempo of your words is drastically changed – if you usually speak slowly, you’ll try to zip through your lame explanation. If you’re normally a fast talker, now you’ll sound like you’re talking to a toddler or someone that is mentally retarded. And of course if the lie doesn’t appear to be working, you immediately shift over to Plan B – get mad. And possibly leave. Now I have no clue where you go when you’re gone, but one thing is clear. You always return bearing gifts. And we forgive you. Usually. So here’s my suggestion.

When you’ve told a whopper. I mean an utterly preposterous story to cover some perceived offense. We will just stop and give the look. The look that says – nigger please! (White girls, this is for you too! You’re allowed to think it. ) Possibly accompanied with a long sigh, rolling of the eyes and crossing of our arms. Then you shall be put on notice. That we know, you’ve been caught, don’t make us go through the trouble of pointing out all of the really obvious evidence. Just except it. And take out your wallet. Short, sweet and to the point. Saves a lot of time, stress and energy. Just admit it – “Yeah, that was pretty lame. I don’t even have a fishing pole”. Chuckle, give your wife a hug. Then pass us the cash. How much depends on the size of the lie. And we promise, we won’t bring it up again. Unless we have to.